misachan: (Cas)
[personal profile] misachan
Title: Slipping
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Very vague S6 spoilers.
Word Count: 820
Summary: The longer the war drags on the more Castiel needs this, these stolen, quiet moments when he can pretend he's still a soldier instead of a killer.

(A/N: Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] thinlizzy2 for beta reading! Inspired by this prompt from [livejournal.com profile] comment_fic.)

The angel gasps out "Brother, don't!" but it's too late; Castiel's arm is already is in motion and his sword stabs into her heart before he can stop himself. He remembers her name, Talitha, and how when he'd been chosen to fetch the Righteous Man she'd sought him out and told him she would pray for his success and safety. How she'd been kind. Her vessel's red hair swirls out as she falls and for a moment she looks like Anna.

She was the last of four. He staggers back panting and realizes he's surrounded by bodies.

He blinks; he's standing in a motel room smelling of mildew, decorated with moldering wallpaper older than his vessel and ten feet away Dean is sleeping with his arm hanging off the side of the bed. He doesn't think he's made any noise but Dean stirs, then startles awake. "Dammit, Cas," he says, slumping back to the bed, "can't you learn to knock?" Then he jumps up like he's been electrified, limbs tense and urgent. "Shit. Shit, Cas, how much of that is yours?"

Castiel blinks until he realizes Dean's talking about the blood spatter on his clothes, which he hadn't noticed until Dean did. He doesn't think any of it is his but he allows Dean to slide his coat from his shoulders, to loosen his tie and open his shirt, and it turns out he does have a nasty cut on his shoulder he never even felt. Dean starts talking about shock and stitches - "You have to be more careful, Cas, some son of a bitch is going to put one through your heart one day" - and Castiel lets the words wash over him. He briefly imagines one of his brothers' swords piercing his heart before banishing the thought; Dean would grieve, he knows this, he's watched Dean have that dream and seen him wake up panicked and trembling. He remembers a swirl of red hair falling and shivers; he feels Dean misinterpret, Dean's hand closing around his wrist as he grows quiet, grows serious. "It hurt, Cas?" Dean says, his keen, practiced eyes examining him, and Castiel truthfully shakes his head no.

"You're lucky you heal fast, buddy," Dean says after going through the motions of applying first aid, plopping back on the bed with a child's bound. Castiel sees him cock his head to the side, a rehearsed motion made natural by repetition. "Think you'll stay the night?" he asks, keeping his voice low to avoid waking Sam, although Castiel (and Dean too, he suspects) knows Sam has long been awake and is rolling his eyes at them, like always.

"I...yes, I think so," Castiel replies. As if the question has ever had more than one answer, but there's a certain comfort found indulging in the old script.

He leans against the window, watching until Dean lets out an exasperated huff. "Cas, you're hurt. You can't just stand there all night." He shifts over. "C'mon," he says, then his eyes narrow, and this is another old dance. "Cas, do not make me shoot you. It's too damn late."

Castiel allows himself to be pulled down to the bed, as if either of them actually believe he's capable of being tired. Weary, yes, always, but not tired. After a few minutes he feels Dean throw his arm across his chest with calculated carelessness; he knows Dean's watching him through hooded lids and pretends to not see the worry. Before too long Dean's breathing deepens and he tightens his arm around Castiel, draws him closer in that quiet moment before true sleep and Castiel closes his eyes. He doesn't know how he functioned before discovering the small comforts his vessel could provide, the soothing sensation of skin on skin in the dark.

Even the pretending is soothing in its way, the small fiction that Castiel doesn't desperately need this comfort and that Dean isn't happy to give it. That the war isn't going poorly and that Castiel hasn't personally murdered more of his brothers and sisters than Lucifer. His breathing hitches before he can control it and Dean senses the distress, curling close around him, murmuring sleepy nonsense in his ear. Castiel listens to Dean's heart beating for a while, watches his dreams, then allows himself a small indulgence and drops his barriers, catching a glimpse of Dean's soul. The depth of Dean's affection always, always stuns him and he basks in it, basks in the bravery and honor and sheer genuine decency of the man lying beside him.

Dean doesn't understand it, but he's why Castiel is fighting this war. Humans have so few years allowed them, hunters even less so. If it costs his life, if it takes sacrificing every thing he is Castiel is determined to create a Heaven worthy of Dean Winchester.

Even if the blood caked on his hands means Castiel won't belong there.

-fin-

Date: 2011-01-21 07:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
Awesome fic, and killer last two paragraphs.

Date: 2011-01-21 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Thank you! (and your icon is hypnotizing.:)

Date: 2011-01-21 08:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sycophantastic.livejournal.com
Oh wow. This is haunting & beautiful & awesome. I'm not usually big on angst but you created such a wonderful snapshot of Cas' struggle & his motivation. And since I'm such a determined optimist, I have to believe that Cas is fighting a good fight, that he'll deserve to share Dean's heaven. *blush*

Thank you so much. ♥♥♥

Date: 2011-01-21 09:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Aw, thank you. It was a good prompt.:) And even if he doesn't "deserve" it, it's not like Dean would storm out and drag him back there as soon as he realized.

Date: 2011-01-21 08:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] strangeandcharm.livejournal.com
Aw, this was lovely. <3

Date: 2011-01-21 09:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2011-01-21 12:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelshandprint.livejournal.com
*cries*
*pouts*
*cries*
I really love this. I'm a sucker for angst and you brought this and... You just amplified the Cas' pain that he has to kill his family, which I saw and really loved in 6.03. And the last lines were killing so good. Especially these:
Dean doesn't understand it, but he's why Castiel is fighting this war
Even if the blood caked on his hands means Castiel won't belong there.
The last one is truly heartbreaking
Thank you so much for sharing

Date: 2011-01-21 10:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Thank you for reading!

Date: 2011-01-21 03:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] joyyjpg.livejournal.com
Wow, this is beautiful!

And this? If it costs his life, if it takes sacrificing every thing he is Castiel is determined to create a Heaven worthy of Dean Winchester.

Even if the blood caked on his hands means Castiel won't belong there.

*CRIES* ♥ ♥ ♥

Date: 2011-01-21 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Aw.:) Thank you!

Date: 2011-01-21 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cousinmary.livejournal.com
Wow *sniff* something in my eye. Great work

Date: 2011-01-21 10:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!

Date: 2011-01-21 07:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] city-of-words.livejournal.com
I love this. I NEED more exploration of the war in heaven! Poor Cas - the show never touches how difficult killing his family would be. And your last lines... Oh, Cas! This was lovely - thank you for sharing.

Date: 2011-01-21 10:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
I'm betting the war is going to come to a head at some point. Poor Cas.

Thank you so much!

Date: 2011-01-22 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] littlehollyleaf.livejournal.com
Just wonderful - really poignant. I love the way the affection between them is hidden by that layer of pretence, and that the pretence in itself is half the comfort. It's like the bond between them is stronger BECAUSE they don't acknowledge it. Which just seems so very in character for Cas and Dean. Really lovely.

Date: 2011-01-30 11:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Neither of them are going to start talking about their feelings any time soon, no.:)

Thank you.

Date: 2011-01-22 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolabobs.livejournal.com
Found this via the daily round up and goodness I'm glad I did.

I love quiet stories, and this one is perfect, low key gentleness that says it all; Dean's love for Cas, the dependency, trust and love. Sam's acceptance.

Wonderfully done.

Date: 2011-01-30 11:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Aw.:) Thank you so much.

Date: 2011-01-24 02:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eastdisease.livejournal.com
Ahh, it's really nice to read a really good short!Dean/Cas and this hits the nail on the head. I love Dean's quiet care for Cas' injuries and how Cas just lets him and then lies down next to him so easily. It's also very bittersweet in that Cas is fighting this war, really, for Dean, but ugh, it's great. I love this.

Date: 2011-01-30 11:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
And Dean would be aghast if he knew he was Cas' reason. Oh, guys.

Thank you so much!

Date: 2011-03-11 05:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krazykatcg.livejournal.com
this offically made me a Dean/Castiel shipper. For real. Like, I just crossed over from friendshipping, to actual shipping and it's because of this fic and "Harsh words". Would you mind if I put your name in my journal entry that I'm writing about how I'm entering in to this new part of fandom that ships Dean/Castiel? I was just going to say how your fic actually helped me cross over to it. lol :P Or is that too weird? lol

Date: 2011-03-12 12:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Oh wow. No, that would be so cool! Thank you!

Date: 2011-03-12 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krazykatcg.livejournal.com
:D Awesome!

Date: 2011-03-30 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cotymundi.livejournal.com
Wow, you have a knack of cutting right to the core of really deep stuff in a fic that's so short, most people would still be on the intro, but it feels complete, satisfying and just so profound. There were about five new insights in that little piece that've got me thinking so hard I can't switch off to go to bed!

Date: 2011-04-09 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misachan.livejournal.com
Aw, thank you so much! That's so sweet!

Date: 2011-10-26 01:17 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I don't remember if I ever praised this as it deserves when I found it at FF.
Anyway this really is one of my favorite fics and those last two paragrafs are my absolute favorite ever. I really applaud you for writing them - they are epic, truly!

Date: 2012-01-24 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tresa-cho.livejournal.com
Guuuh. Ded of sheer amazingness.

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